Why I will never get married.....

I should clarify at the outset that this doesn't mean I intend to be a spinster for the rest of my life, or that I will just 'live in sin' as the quaint old saying goes. What I mean is that having observed several of my friends going through the process of getting married in the traditional white wedding way, with all of the attendant hysteria, I have absolutely no desire to drape myself in yards of white fabric* and parade myself to be judged by a group of people most of whom I really don't know very well and then feed them all at my expense.

That said, I have a very real appreciation for the intestinal fortitude involved with either wedding option - to face down the stress of actually organising a wedding or to face the family having chosen to run off and do it quietly somewhere without them!

As someone who merely attends a wedding, you don't really have any idea how much is involved. As someone actually involved in the process, you see just how much effort goes into it. Even the apparently simple element - the table setting - is a nightmare. There is the tablecloth, the napkins, the name tags, the centrepiece, the bonbonniere, the glitter sprinkled on the table. And someone to set it all up.

But that said, apart for the expected stress and the unexpected screw ups, last weekends wedding was ultimately a lot of fun. We got to do all the girlie stuff that I never do - hair, make-up, nails. Fizzy alcohol and strawberries for breakfast**. I discovered that cars honk at bridal vehicles. Stick some ribbon on your car and see for yourself. People stop and look at people wearing silly dresses***. They like to try and get into the photo's (thanks to that lovely woman who stopped just inside the shot and scratched her bottom for a good 5 minutes - seriously, 5 minutes while she waited for someone to come up from the beach). And someone opens the door of the car for you - and stands just right to hide any inadvertent show of knickers as you scramble out of a low slung classic vehicle.

I also got to be a bit trampy. The dresses was fire-engine red satin, just above the knee with a black tulle underskirt. Perfect for draping provocatively across the bonnet of a gangster style classic car.****

But I wont be doing it if I can possibly help it. I'll take facing the family disapproval and elope. I'll buy one of those package deals where you trot off to Vanuatu or Fiji and its all organised for you, you get the pretty pictures to show your friends but all you have to do is bring your clothes and get on a plane.

* or whatever slightly not white tone you care to choose.

** well - I stopped for Macca's on the way to the hotel - I dont cope without protein in the morning.

*** ALL bridal dresses are silly - be it the wedding dress or the bridesmaid dress. They are always impractical, are either too short, or too long so you either trip on it or inadvertently show someone your knickers.

**** Photo's may come later (depends on how trampy they turn out)